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The end of 2020 was like reaching the finish line of a grueling marathon, only there’s no one there to congratulate you. And nobody is handing out those warming tin foil blankets. And instead of being given a nice glass of water, you’re handed a mug of human faeces.

It feels very odd trying to do a old year roundup/new year goals post when the entire planet is set adrift in a sea of ‘WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK?’. Attempting to take stock of everything at the same time as questioning whether I am in fact really a real person existing in an actual tangible place and not in some kind of parody hell dimension.

That said, and without detracting from the heartbreaking personal, psychological, physical and economic effect Covid has had on millions, I feel I’ve dealt with the chaos pretty well. No new cancers (touch wood, sacrifice goat, pray to Buddha), no unexpected hospital trips, no shattered femurs. And bizarrely begun to feel the most mentally grounded I have in years. Perhaps the lack of external distraction meant I had to turn to face my demons, and while many of them look like ‘The Gentlemen’ from the traumatic Buffy episode ‘Hush’, on forced closer inspection some of them have bunny ears and back stories. I’m beginning to understand why they can feel so scary, and how that impacts my behaviour. I’m still not that much closer to fully understanding the inner workings of moi, but this period of considered introspection has obviously helped me feel less like a un-tethered helium balloon. Much less floaty and gassy.

I am on the other hand starting to feel very, very fed up. Like the rest of the planet. I’m not saying I’m a special little snowflake compared to everyone else,
but having to put life on hold AGAIN has a very sour mouthfeel. I feel like I’ve had at least about 4 years stolen due to health nonsense, so 2020 was a kick in the tits. I want to LIVE dammit. I definitely don’t have it all figured out. But GOD DAMN I was starting to ruminate on plans! This white hot burning desire inside to do things without fear.

So what does one do with this burning desire when they have to stay the arse inside?
Well it’s meant I’ve actually had the chance to ascertain if my ruminations would have any legs in the real world. Take baby steps towards goals so they don’t feel as unattainable. Slowing down has shown me what’s possible when life does speed up again.

Watch out world, she’s a’comin.

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