Fed up already and the really scary stuff hasn’t even started. Oscillating between tearing up at the slightest thing (such as sad looking old people or just dropping a spoon on the floor), and eating purely carb/sugar based produce in a nihilistic ‘well if my body is going to keep betraying me I might as well eat utter crap!’ type way. But I’m sure this too shall pass.
Therefore finding balance is the topic on my mind this week. How do I worry the right amount about things that require a certain amount of worry, without descending
into utter hypochondriac chaos (MY CHEST FEELS FUNNY I’M DEFINITELY DYING THIS TIME!) So far I’ve found slathering myself in essential oils and wafting incense directly up my nostrils is helping keep a level head. And actually speaking up if I’m worried/anxious helps (what, other people aren’t psychic and finely attuned to my every fraught facial expression???)
Tomorrow is ‘The Harvest Festival’ as we’ve affectionately named it – the fertility injections have gone swimmingly and my eggs are almost ready for extraction and icing! I’m feeling rather proud of my little ovaries – well done for working when the rest of my body is rebelling! 10 points to you! And to anyone who may have to go through a similar process, the needles are very small and you feel a bit like a mad scientist getting to mix up all the concoctions yourself. Silver linings.
Also had my 6 monthly leg check up – all is well but the implant bit in my femur has loosened a little (which we were told might happen, especially as I’m a bouncy ‘youngster’, fond of dancing and flailing). Just brought to light how I’ll eventually have to have more surgery and do the whole learning to walk thing again. Which is not a helpful thought when you’re attempting to deal with a boob with murderous intentions.
ALSO met my oncologist who was a very informative yet heartfelt woman, who strangely made me come out of the appointment feeling positive when I expected to be in tears – my chemotherapy will only be for about 12 weeks, which compared to some other grueling chemo regimes, is definitely the non-fuzzy side of the lollipop. Currently feeling very aware of all the things I should be doing in preparation, like spending unnecessary amounts of money on luxurious, all natural skin products, buying fancy wigs (Uma Thurman in Pulp Fiction style bob? Brigitte Bardot blonde fluff? De Niro Taxi driver-esque mohawk?) and covering every surface in existence in antibacterial sanitising gel. Instead I’ve booked a trip to Ibiza to visit a friend and lie in the sun.
See – all about B A L A N C E.